 A Box
A box, all taped up and labeled with my name. Inside, the sprawling embers of ecstasy that once warmed me at all hours before their reduction. Two boys that I loved once, and a girl who surprised me, made me realize I could be with anyone. Lately, I’ve been trying to spread these embers, to let them fade away like the ashes of deceased lovers, but I can’t open the box alone. I invite more bodies to pry it open, in increasingly strange situations. No one can open it. Not if they knew. If they knew about that night behind the red window in Amsterdam-- All just to touch a woman again. To see if she mirrored Her, to live again. And now it seems ridiculous when I describe my sexuality as gray, despite all I’ve done and all the people I’ve kissed. My experiences are my own, so strange and personal, but also so plain, so plain.
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Please enjoy the full performance of “Nearly”—originally performed on Instagram live on April 15th, 2020. Click on the image to be taken to the video! :)  I had such a wonderful time writing again! Please check out the dance/dance science article I wrote for The Dance Psychologist’s blog! It discusses Obsessive Passion vs. Harmonious Passion in dance and how it relates to our present online dance training scene. Let me know what you think! Click on the image to be taken to the blog post. :)  Please click on the photo below to access the promotional video for my new work, "Nearly." Premeiring April 15th, 2020 at 4pm GMT/11am EST on my Instagram Live feed. Instagram Handle: kayla_mccl Nearly is a culmination of 3 years living between countries. Inspired by Anne Carson’s chapter “Distances” in Autobiography of Red, McClellan’s new work is a meditation on isolation and relationship. The piece considers imagined and real distances—exploring the effects of them on her mind and body. Nearly engages with the world’s present human blueprint: 2 meters apart, don’t come any closer. In a hungry attempt to foster connection with the earth and others, the performance is set outside of McClellan’s London flat and broadcasted over Instagram live.   When the only representation of people like you is stereotypes, that is all people will see. Every action becomes about denying or affirming their preconceived notions. Being a nonbinary Chinese-Colombian-American pansexual, it is hard to see myself represented in media. It is rare to see queer characters in movies and shows, especially portrayed by people of color. I want the world to know I am not a supporting character in someone else’s narrative. I am the main character and I am not your model minority.
 I've dated a spectrum of people, but my last two serious relationships were with cis men. In both cases, there was a sense of uneasiness with my bisexuality. It's consistently combated by my partners and others with words like, 'but you like boys more, right?' or 'you can't be bi because you're with me' and 'why don't you just date a girl then.' These comments received from those I've dated, family members, and friends make me feel belittled, overlooked, and ultimately unseen by those who I love unconditionally. But I won't let my sexuality be determined by others to make them feel comfortable. It's mine. And I'll be who defines it. Text graphic 'Yes and I'm still bi' created by Jessica.
 I'm Out, Let Me In
You think I’m fake and threatening. A shape-shifting monster Lurking in your territory Who can’t choose their final form. But I counter with unconditional love. Infinite possibilities. To connect beyond a binary expectation To constantly evolve my representation, Separate from my sexual partner. LGBTQAI+ I have a place in this line-up, All of us. Regardless of what you think you see You and me are we. |
© Emma Holt
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